Am I strong enough?

I'm not sure I have the strength to keep searching this out. The reason is that the more I search the more I find against the Mormon church. I am trying hard to not be biased in my reading either. I check sources (to the best of my ability) and make sure that the claims people out there in cyber-land are stating are legitimate. I'm not sure I have the strength to leave the church. I'm afraid of the consequences and judgments that will be put on by my family and friends when they find out. However, all this being said, I feel deep in my heart that I must be true to myself.

Tonight I was reading some things that have been changed over the years in the temple endowment ceremony. I think that had I gone through the temple for the first time twenty years ago I might have run out the door screaming. When I went through for the first time six years ago I was filled with extreme anxiety. I even wrote in my journal that I thought that the ceremony was strange and uncomfortable. I remember crying several times during the endowment, and I'm sure those around me thought I was moved to tears by the spirit, but in actuality the tears were out of anxiety, strangeness, and unfamiliarity.

After studying more about the LDS church tonight, I feel stronger than ever that there is something "not right" there. I know that some choose to stay in the church because of the values and culture and acceptance, but I don't know that I can stay in and support a church that has so many questionable parts in its past. I want to find my own truth, but what would that look like for me? This a scary path I may choose to take, but if I follow my heart I think it could possibly be a very freeing one.

Jumping the Gun

I feel as though perhaps I jumped the gun in asking for advice on how to break away from the church. I'm not entirely sure I'm ready for that. I'm still not even sure if that's what I really want to do. I don't think that the LDS church has brought any harm to my life and has at times brought much needed peace to me, but my problem with it still goes back to the early church history and past teachings and practices. My issues are probably the standard issues any person researching the Mormon church comes across- polygamy, temple rituals and the Masons, blacks and the priesthood, male dominance, Joseph Smith and the translation of the Book of Mormon, lack of DNA evidence of Book of Mormon descendants. Some of these things just don't add up and I have not found through any of my research a satisfying answer in favor of the Mormon faith. Yet, somehow I still feel guilt over my "lack of faith." I am terrified of leaving a religion and culture that has been a huge part of my upbringing and is still a huge part of my family. It's not so simple to just leave. I'm sacred of the ostracism I will face from my family and friends should I choose to take a different path. I feel so confused and ashamed and guilty and hurt and sad and angry and ugly all at the same time. Sometimes I wish I could go back to being ignorant- it's less painful.

Letter to Natalie

I recently discovered a blog written by Natalie R. Collins that has had me roaring with laughter and also contemplating church teachings. Tonight I wrote a letter to Natalie asking for advice on breaking away from the LDS church.

Natalie,

I found your blog recently when I was googling information about the LDS church. I am a born and bred Utah Mormon. What had me googling the Mormon Church was a recent yearning to find answers to questions regarding church history and other such things. When I started reading your blog I couldn’t stop. You had me rolling with laughter with your brutal honesty of the Mormon culture here in Utah. I have read nearly every entry from beginning to present. My husband even started worrying that I was having some kind of cyber love affair because I have been literally glued to the laptop for the last week.

My reason for contacting you is that I am curious to know more about how you left the church and how you were able to deal with your family not approving of you leaving. I ask this because through my research and pondering and praying my guts out for that burning in the bosom feeling I have found that perhaps what I have been taught to believe my whole life is false. I am scared shitless (literally I have made myself sick with worry and have had chronic diarrhea for weeks now- sorry TMI)! I don’t know how my family is going to take it when they find out. Luckily I have the support of my dear husband who started questioning years before I did and is willing to go on this journey with me. I have not even made my decision known to my bishop. In fact I even went to church today and taught a lesson to the 14 year-old Sunday school class. Luckily it was on Old Testament, but I did “forget” to teach the part of the lesson where Joseph, son of Jacob, was promised in the Joseph Smith translation of the bible that one of his descendents would be a “choice seer” of course referring to Joseph Smith himself. I did find it convenient that Joseph Smith was able to “correct” the bible to prophesy of himself, but this is all beside the point.

Do you have any words of advice on where to start with this journey? How do I keep positive relationships with my family while still standing by my beliefs? Again, I am scared to start breaking away, but I can’t continue to follow something that I don’t whole heartedly believe.

Thanks,

kjourney

Not Satisfied

I've been doing a lot of research the past several weeks, mostly via the internet, on Mormons, Mormon beliefs, Mormon history, Mormon myths, Mormon missionaries, Mormon anythingyoucanthinkof! The more I read the more I feel unsatisfied with the beliefs I have been raised with. Why are there so many HUGE parts of our religion that are not regularly taught in church. For example, what is up with polygamy being part of my eternal progression. I am NOT okay with that! In fact I did not even learn this vital part of my salvation until I was a married adult. It angered me when I first heard about it. I felt hugely protective of my husband and my marriage. The only way that I found myself able to move on from it was to convince myself that God would work it all out in the next life or that my feelings would certainly change once I was to that point in the afterlife.

What I do Believe

I have been thinking a lot lately about what it is that I DO have a testimony of. In the LDS church once a month we have what is called Fast and Testimony Meeting. This takes place during our sacrament meeting time (what other religions might consider there sermon or worship time). Members are encouraged to stand and bare personal testimony of the church and/or its principles. Mostly people stand and tell personal experiences where they have had some type of spiritual prompting or enlightenment. I have even stood in front of congregations to tell of my own spiritual experiences and feelings. When I ponder the word and meaning of 'testimony' I feel that it should run deeper than experiences and feelings. According to wikipedia, in law and in religion, testimony is a solemn attestation as to the truth of a matter. If I think about what I KNOW in my heart to be truth I can come up with a few things that I would like to share with you.

I know that there is a God. I know this because I have felt his presence multiple times throughout my life. Through personal trial and tribulation I have come to know him on a more personal level. I know the power of prayer. I know that God hears and answers our prayers and again I have come to know this through personal experience. Those two things I do not doubt or question. There are also many things that I believe. While I might not know these things as strongly as know God and prayer, I believe that these things are true.

I believe that there is more to life that just our earthly journey. I believe in eternal progression because it makes sense to me. I like to believe that families are forever and that marriage and the family unit continue to be after our mortal journey. I believe in a savior Jesus Christ. I believe he is the son of God and that he was sent here to save mankind.

While I of course cannot prove these things I know exist, to me they are truth and I respect the fact that others might have different personal truths.

The principles, specific to the LDS church, that I struggle with are:

Was Joseph Smith a true prophet of God? I realize this is a pretty fundamental part of the Mormon church, but if I'm being honest with myself this is not something I know for certain.

Will those who do not except and become members of our church really not be allowed to progress in the heavens and have eternal families? To me this doesn't seem quite fair or right. I know that the church would argue that everyone will have a chance either in this life or the next to hear the gospel's message, but what if you were born say a devout Buddhist. Would you all of the sudden abandon everything you have believed to be right just to be part of another religion? I think what I would do if say a Jehovah's Witness came to my door and wanted me to change religions. Would I do it? And if I didn't would I be damned in my eternal progression?

Why are women not given the same authoritative powers like the priesthood that men are given? Maybe this is the feminist coming out in me. Why must the women be "second in command" so to speak? Why must we head to the counsel of our husbands who head to the counsel of God? Why can we not just head the counsel of God ourselves?

There are many more questions that I have that I don't have the energy to write or make clear of in my head that perhaps will come later on.

My Journey

“All of life is a journey- which paths we take, what we look back on, and what we look forward to is up to us. We determine our destination, what kind of road we will take to get there, and how happy we are when we get there.”

As I continue on this journey of spiritual discovery I do so with mixed emotions. While it is now that I am earnestly seeking to find my own personal, spiritual truth, I do not feel as though I am just starting this journey. I believe that everything up to this point in my life has played a part in my spiritual makeup. I was born and raised in a very faithful Latter Day Saint (Mormon) family. I grew up in Utah where a large percentage of the population belongs to the church. Much of the culture and society in Utah is influenced, in my opinion, by the church and it's values. Most of my friends growing up were Mormon and many of the activities I participated in were often church oriented. I enjoyed going to church for the most part. I never questioned my faith or the doctrines that it taught me.

It wasn't until the time I first went through the temple, just prior to getting married that I began to have deep, stirring questions regarding religion and God. I tried not to ponder or dwell on these thoughts and feelings because I concluded that these feelings of doubt must certainly be from the adversary. Nobody ever told me that I wasn't allowed to question, but I certainly felt that I was wrong in doing so. Part of me was also scared of what I might find if I did begin to question and investigate for myself the truthfulness of the church. What if everything I have believed and based much of my life decisions on is false?

It took several years for me to work up enough courage to start searching for answers. I am still scared. I feel guilt and shame for questioning my values, but deep inside of me I know that I must find out the truth for myself- whatever it may be.