Jumping the Gun

I feel as though perhaps I jumped the gun in asking for advice on how to break away from the church. I'm not entirely sure I'm ready for that. I'm still not even sure if that's what I really want to do. I don't think that the LDS church has brought any harm to my life and has at times brought much needed peace to me, but my problem with it still goes back to the early church history and past teachings and practices. My issues are probably the standard issues any person researching the Mormon church comes across- polygamy, temple rituals and the Masons, blacks and the priesthood, male dominance, Joseph Smith and the translation of the Book of Mormon, lack of DNA evidence of Book of Mormon descendants. Some of these things just don't add up and I have not found through any of my research a satisfying answer in favor of the Mormon faith. Yet, somehow I still feel guilt over my "lack of faith." I am terrified of leaving a religion and culture that has been a huge part of my upbringing and is still a huge part of my family. It's not so simple to just leave. I'm sacred of the ostracism I will face from my family and friends should I choose to take a different path. I feel so confused and ashamed and guilty and hurt and sad and angry and ugly all at the same time. Sometimes I wish I could go back to being ignorant- it's less painful.

Letter to Natalie

I recently discovered a blog written by Natalie R. Collins that has had me roaring with laughter and also contemplating church teachings. Tonight I wrote a letter to Natalie asking for advice on breaking away from the LDS church.

Natalie,

I found your blog recently when I was googling information about the LDS church. I am a born and bred Utah Mormon. What had me googling the Mormon Church was a recent yearning to find answers to questions regarding church history and other such things. When I started reading your blog I couldn’t stop. You had me rolling with laughter with your brutal honesty of the Mormon culture here in Utah. I have read nearly every entry from beginning to present. My husband even started worrying that I was having some kind of cyber love affair because I have been literally glued to the laptop for the last week.

My reason for contacting you is that I am curious to know more about how you left the church and how you were able to deal with your family not approving of you leaving. I ask this because through my research and pondering and praying my guts out for that burning in the bosom feeling I have found that perhaps what I have been taught to believe my whole life is false. I am scared shitless (literally I have made myself sick with worry and have had chronic diarrhea for weeks now- sorry TMI)! I don’t know how my family is going to take it when they find out. Luckily I have the support of my dear husband who started questioning years before I did and is willing to go on this journey with me. I have not even made my decision known to my bishop. In fact I even went to church today and taught a lesson to the 14 year-old Sunday school class. Luckily it was on Old Testament, but I did “forget” to teach the part of the lesson where Joseph, son of Jacob, was promised in the Joseph Smith translation of the bible that one of his descendents would be a “choice seer” of course referring to Joseph Smith himself. I did find it convenient that Joseph Smith was able to “correct” the bible to prophesy of himself, but this is all beside the point.

Do you have any words of advice on where to start with this journey? How do I keep positive relationships with my family while still standing by my beliefs? Again, I am scared to start breaking away, but I can’t continue to follow something that I don’t whole heartedly believe.

Thanks,

kjourney