Jumping the Gun

I feel as though perhaps I jumped the gun in asking for advice on how to break away from the church. I'm not entirely sure I'm ready for that. I'm still not even sure if that's what I really want to do. I don't think that the LDS church has brought any harm to my life and has at times brought much needed peace to me, but my problem with it still goes back to the early church history and past teachings and practices. My issues are probably the standard issues any person researching the Mormon church comes across- polygamy, temple rituals and the Masons, blacks and the priesthood, male dominance, Joseph Smith and the translation of the Book of Mormon, lack of DNA evidence of Book of Mormon descendants. Some of these things just don't add up and I have not found through any of my research a satisfying answer in favor of the Mormon faith. Yet, somehow I still feel guilt over my "lack of faith." I am terrified of leaving a religion and culture that has been a huge part of my upbringing and is still a huge part of my family. It's not so simple to just leave. I'm sacred of the ostracism I will face from my family and friends should I choose to take a different path. I feel so confused and ashamed and guilty and hurt and sad and angry and ugly all at the same time. Sometimes I wish I could go back to being ignorant- it's less painful.

Not Satisfied

I've been doing a lot of research the past several weeks, mostly via the internet, on Mormons, Mormon beliefs, Mormon history, Mormon myths, Mormon missionaries, Mormon anythingyoucanthinkof! The more I read the more I feel unsatisfied with the beliefs I have been raised with. Why are there so many HUGE parts of our religion that are not regularly taught in church. For example, what is up with polygamy being part of my eternal progression. I am NOT okay with that! In fact I did not even learn this vital part of my salvation until I was a married adult. It angered me when I first heard about it. I felt hugely protective of my husband and my marriage. The only way that I found myself able to move on from it was to convince myself that God would work it all out in the next life or that my feelings would certainly change once I was to that point in the afterlife.